Table for One

One of the greatest ironies of this area is that despite being surrounded by literally millions of people it is very easy to feel really lonely. Sometimes I wonder if that ever goes away or if the people that have lived here forever also feel really lonely. I've always been really independent and to be honest I do really like being independent. I like being able to decide what I want to do and then getting to do it without compromise. But like with everything there is a price for this freedom. The price I'm paying right now is loneliness. I just don't think i've ever experienced loneliness on this scale. Even when I studied abroad there was another girl that went from my university and we were able to hang out. Friends from home ask if I'm dating or what cool bars I've been to and as much as I'd love to tell them I'm living this amazing city life...I'm not. In fact, I'm just trying to survive ... let alone actually enjoy this experience. I think this whole concept of loneliness has just been weighing on me this week in particular. It's like the first time since my move that depression really set in. I find myself staring at the TV in the evening feeling this sort of deep sadness that I can only liken to when something really terrible has happened like the loss of a loved one or something. You want so badly to escape the pain, but part of the pain's existence itself is just about being inescapable and unbearable. I'll write my Mom or sister and tell them about how I'm feeling or how lonely it is and they usually respond by telling me it will get better. I know people say that because they mean well and they may even believe it, but it doesn't really help. I've been here two months and it only gets harder. Given the circumstances its just hard to believe in the moment. I tried googling ways to meet people in NYC. It reeks of the sort of desperation that only makes one feel even more pathetic and depressed. I don't want to force things. I want things to happen organically... I just assumed it would happen faster and maybe easier than this. I guess I'll just be crossing my fingers.

Why New Yorkers Are So Angry

It's so easy to be angry here. As cliche as it is, this city really is like a rat race. I honestly think it's just the shear number of people that make this area so irritating. Let's face it... people are annoying. People get in the way. People walk to slow. People get in your personal space. People take up too much space. People smell weird. There are just too many people! Now I'm not saying this in the "we need population control" sort of way. I just feel like the crowds in this area could drive even Mother Teresa nuts. I can't drive to work without feeling like I'm going to lose it at least once. Granted I'm sort of an impatient person and I'm really particular about my personal space, but it's just not like this anywhere else in the world. I've said it before, but I'm from the South. Things just move more slowly there. Most locals have repeatedly reminded me that I need to get over it(I suppose this is a northerners best attempt at consoling behavior). For the record, I'm going to remember this sort of thing if I'm ever in the South and and Northerner complains to me about various aspects of Southern culture. I'll be sure to brush their frustrations off.

What The Heck Am I Doing?

I think I've had moments where I felt this way over the past couple months, but never more so than this week. I just keep wondering why I decided to move here and change industries and leave literally everything and everyone I've ever known. I have no one here. I have no support system. I have no friends. I have no business in the luxury world. My idea of luxury is buying soap from Bath and Body Works rather than Walmart. The idea of working in Luxury sounds exciting and I think most would agree. I think a lot of people would initially jump at the opportunity simply because it sort of encompasses the ultimate American dream. It's the industry that sort of defines "making it". I mean let's be honest...I was proud to tell people I got this job and I still am. But the more I've worked in it, the more I feel like I don't belong. Sometimes I wonder if I'm trying to hide from my feelings of inferiority by calling to question the shallow nature of the industry. I see people spending thousands of dollars on a tiny bracelet and I think about people starving in the world. I wonder sometimes if I'm doing this just because I'm trying to find some excuse for leaving. It's like in high school when you're an outcast. It's easier to say that the popular kids are shallow, superficial, and of low character(whether or not any of these things may be true) than it is to accept that a lot of people happen to like them and not many people like you. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to constantly be trying to find the flaws within my current position simply because I'm not succeeding at it. Unfortunately, I think that may be what is happening. I do think my natural interests lie elsewhere. I can't help but see a kid and want to talk to them or find out what they like or what they've been doing recently. Every time I see a teen retailer I think about the fun I had in my previous career and how I loved helping families shop for back to school. So I'm constantly questioning myself. Do I dislike this career because it's different, it's change, and I happen to be struggling at it or is this simply not my calling. I don't want to limit myself simply because something is hard. At the end of the day though, that is human nature. I think it's natural to resist change. I knew going into this it would be hard and extremely out of my comfort zone. To some degree that is why I took the position. I wanted to push myself and grow. I wanted to develop new skills and learn how to work in a different environment. I guess I underestimated just how hard it would be. Getting into the store has been the most challenging piece for me. I expected it to come naturally and it hasn't. In fact, it is one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. I feel like my supervisor hates me and I've never felt more incompetent in my entire life. I feel like everything I do is wrong. I'm not sure what else can be said right now. I'm just sad and lonely and questioning everything.

Hello New Friends!

I moved to the New York area about 3 weeks ago alone. It feels like three years ago. I suppose it kind of goes along with that saying, "Time flies when you're having fun." This makes sense because I'm not having very much fun yet. So maybe I got ahead of myself. Let me back up. My name is Annie. I'm 26 and three weeks ago I was living in West Virginia. If we back up even further, about three months ago I was online kind of browsing jobs like any other 20 something does these days. I was actually in the process of making a job posting for another position within my work. I happened to come across a job posting for a pretty prestigious, reputable company and decided to apply. Long story short, a million interviews and a couple months later I found out I got the job and would be moving up here. Sounds amazing, right? So lets fast forward to now. I feel like I'm living the dream of almost every millennial in the country. I finally found an amazing career opportunity. I have an amazing salary. I'm living in the greatest city on earth. So why am I complaining? One word: loneliness. NYC is such an amazing place and I feel like there are so many cool people here. Not to mention, theres a million cool things to do at any hour of the day. BUT... sometimes it feels like the loneliest place on earth. Every time I'm walking around the city there are so many families, school groups, and friends walking around. It just serves as a constant reminder that you don't have any of that here. I miss my friends and family all the time. When I was leaving everyone kept saying how brave it was to be going here by myself. I suppose so, but part of me also wonders if it was kind of stupid. Idk... tonight was just kind of overwhelmingly sad and I realized that maybe if i could blog about some of my struggles here it might help me clear my lonely head. Also, I am hoping it might help some other young soul trying to venture out on their own. Well I guess this is the end of my introduction. More to come!