Table for One

One of the greatest ironies of this area is that despite being surrounded by literally millions of people it is very easy to feel really lonely. Sometimes I wonder if that ever goes away or if the people that have lived here forever also feel really lonely. I've always been really independent and to be honest I do really like being independent. I like being able to decide what I want to do and then getting to do it without compromise. But like with everything there is a price for this freedom. The price I'm paying right now is loneliness. I just don't think i've ever experienced loneliness on this scale. Even when I studied abroad there was another girl that went from my university and we were able to hang out. Friends from home ask if I'm dating or what cool bars I've been to and as much as I'd love to tell them I'm living this amazing city life...I'm not. In fact, I'm just trying to survive ... let alone actually enjoy this experience. I think this whole concept of loneliness has just been weighing on me this week in particular. It's like the first time since my move that depression really set in. I find myself staring at the TV in the evening feeling this sort of deep sadness that I can only liken to when something really terrible has happened like the loss of a loved one or something. You want so badly to escape the pain, but part of the pain's existence itself is just about being inescapable and unbearable. I'll write my Mom or sister and tell them about how I'm feeling or how lonely it is and they usually respond by telling me it will get better. I know people say that because they mean well and they may even believe it, but it doesn't really help. I've been here two months and it only gets harder. Given the circumstances its just hard to believe in the moment. I tried googling ways to meet people in NYC. It reeks of the sort of desperation that only makes one feel even more pathetic and depressed. I don't want to force things. I want things to happen organically... I just assumed it would happen faster and maybe easier than this. I guess I'll just be crossing my fingers.